Call Me Colgate

I just spent an entertaining 3 minutes watching Maggie and Caring pushing little plastic toys across the floor at each other. Every time they'd collide, Maggie would let out an insane giggle.

The little girl claims to love me, and makes it a point every hour or so to show me how much by grabbing me around the midsection and squeezing me like that tube of stuff Caring and the fat guy use on their mouths. When I meow in protest, she looks at me as though I'm crazy and says, "That's okay, Samamfa." No, it's not okay. The last time you did it, I think almost had an accident.

Speaking of accidents, what's up with the fat guy's scooping of our litter box. He comes down once a month with the scoop and then complains about how much we poop. Dude, if you didn't flush for a month, I think you'd need more than a scoop and a Wal-Mart bag to deal with it.

And why is it that Caring, Maggie and Lardo get to eat their dinners upstairs on a counter and Jackass Boy and I have to eat in the cold, damp, dirty, ugly and stinky (cuz' he never cleans our poop) basement?

I try to argue my point with Caring every morning as she beats her clothes with a pointed hot thing that spits out steam. I have cussed her out several times about the deplorable living conditions I'm faced with downstairs, and she merely throws my profanity back at me with a smile on her face. This morning I jumped on her back, hoping to wrestle her to the ground like Jackass Boy. I forgot, she's been working out at a place called Curves.

Speaking of working out, I think Jacks is on the same fitness plan as Baldy. He seems fatter everyday. I think he's trying to use his weight to gain the upper hand on me in our daily jousts. Maybe when he falls through the steps he'll realize it was a bad idea.

Caring's sitting on the green chair that she's tried to use several times to crush me and watching some show where they keep zooming in on closeups of concerned looking people while cheesy music plays in the background. There's a Jacks on here too. He's a lot better looking then the one in this house.

Oh well,it's back to the blue piece of string. I'm trying to figure out how to turn it into a garrote to take the big man down. Of course, to paraphrase that movie about the big fish I saw on TV the other day, "I'm gonna need a bigger string."